Banned Book Week 2k13: BAN TWILIGHT!

banned

This week is banned book week, the week when book nerds everywhere rebel against close-minded nimrods (mostly Bible-thumping tea party types) trying to take good books out of libraries and out of children’s hands.

The most cliché thing I could do is write a scathing condemnation of censorship and champion the freedom of literature for one and all! But how boring would that be? Instead, I’m going to go total hipster on this thing and argue IN FAVOR of censorship, which is absolutely necessary despite the whining of hippy liberal-types.

I’m saying this as a lover of books, but I’ve always found it strange that books get this free pass that other mediums of story-telling (television, movies, video games) don’t. People often say, “Who cares what someone reads as long as he/she is reading?” That’s bullshit. Of course it matter. Books, like the visual mediums, range in quality from intellectually-stimulating masterpieces to Twilight. Garbage literature is just as harmful as playing Grand Theft Auto or watching Basketball Wives. In fact, out of all story-telling mediums, the one that gets away with the most is easily literature. The sickest, most immoral, most depraved stuff I ever experienced as a kid was in books. The visual mediums are limited by what they’re allowed to show you, but literature is only limited by how deep you can sink into the depths of your own imagination.

But forget about immorality. Also, let’s discount a situation like a third-grader reading Fifty Shades of Grey. I think we can all agree children should be protected from literature that is overly sexual (or just poorly written). That’s censorship and it’s necessary. What we really need censorship for is to protect people from literature that is, for lack of a better term, stupid. I think all means of storytelling should have to pass through a stupidity censor. The Church is dying. People now receive their life lessons from what they’re most exposed to — television, movies, music, video games, and (to a lesser degree) books. It’s detrimental to society for citizens to be exposed to anything that glorifies or raises up stupidity for emulation.

Keeping Up with the Kardashians makes our society worse. BANNED! Fast and the Furious 18 is catnip for morons. BANNED! Stephanie Myers? I don’t think so. BANNED! Because seriously, why would people who were hundreds of years old still go to HIGH SCHOOL?! And a vampire cannot impregnate anyone! That’s the point of the whole biting routine! DUMB! The idiots in this country are multiplying at a ridiculous rate, and we must do everything we can to fight the tidal wave of stupidity crashing over the beaches of intellectualism. So basically what I’m saying is ban everything that is stupid. But who gets to decide what’s stupid? Well I do, of course. You’re welcome.

So as you can see, censorship has its place. Art has a responsibility to society. Therefore, stupid art is dangerous, not only to individuals but to our entire society. We must crush these monstrosities under the boot of common sense. Ban ’em! BAN ‘EM ALL!

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~ by themoderntranscendentalist on September 26, 2013.

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