I hate bookstores

ImageI love books. I hate bookstores.

What is a reader to do?

What I really mean when I say that I hate bookstores is that I hate Barnes and Noble…because that’s the only “bookstore” left. Independent bookstores are dead and most commit the same deadly sins as B&N.

My main problem with B&N is that it’s NOT a bookstore. A bookstore sells BOOKS. B&N sells books…and coffee and movies and music and board games and Lego sets and stuffed animals and knick-knacks and a million other kinds of non-book bullshit. What angers me most about the lack of books at B&N is that it invites non-book people into the store to mix with hardcore book snobs.

Let me clear something up right away: I am a hardcore book snob. Bookstores hold a certain amount of spirituality for me. Remember that fat kid in Willy Wonka who falls into the chocolate river? That’s me in a bookstore. I want to wander around and discover books I’ve never heard of and smell the books and rub them all over my naked body until the nerds who work there ask me to leave. A bookstore should be a holy place of worship for hardcore book snobs.

So imagine what it would be like if you were at church one Sunday and someone was in the back selling Marilyn Manson CDs or Super Mario Brothers Beanie Babies or the second season of Everyone Loves Raymond on DVD. That’s the kind of stuff that made Jesus tweak out in the Bible, and I follow in Jesus’ pissed off footsteps!

So here are the three main commandments one must follow in order to show proper respect in a bookstore:

#1: Thou shalt not speak above a whisper.

I know it’s not a library, but the reason quiet is necessary at libraries is because people like to concentrate while they read…SO SHUT UP!

#2: Thou shalt not ever…EVER…speak on a cell phone.

I don’t care if there’s a Starbucks in it or not. If you wanna talk on the phone go to a real Starbucks where people might pretend to care about your pretentious bullshit. It’s a bookstore. I’d much rather hear the wisdom of Plato or Nietzsche than listen to some guy brag to his friend about how he got hit on by a tranny last night (actual overheard conversation, by the way).

#3: Thou shalt not ever bring a child into the bookstore.

I realize there’s a children’s section, but it should be quarantined like the raptor pen in Jurassic Park. Our society has this obsession with encouraging kids to read, but, seriously, what’s the point? They’re going to hate books by middle school and turn out to be just as stupid as you so just keep ’em at home and let them play a goddamn video game and quit pretending your kid is some kind of genius.

If anyone wants to chime in with the brilliant suggestion of e-books or Amazon let me counter with the question, How would Jesus feel about online church?

Let’s keep the bookstores holy until literary Jesus shows up to throw all the beanie babies and board games out of the bookstores!

Amen.

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~ by themoderntranscendentalist on August 18, 2012.

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