Kill, Kill, Kill the White Man!

I’ve decided that this is the worst time in recorded history to be a white male.

Throughout time white males have absolutely dominated western society. We’ve straight up owned an entire race of people, oppressed women, stole land from a different race of people and gave them smallpox blankets in exchange, and made a bunch of Asians build us railroads for next to nothing.

Yes, the white man has had it pretty darn good until the 21st Century…

Of course diversity is a wonderful thing, but let me tell you that being a writer who is a white male does me absolutely no favors. Writers everywhere are getting published writing about what it’s like to grow up as a (enter your oppressed minority here) in America. People write about what it’s like to be black or Latino or Asian or Native American or physically disabled or a woman or a blind albino Eskimo or basically whatever…anything except for a white dude. I will never publish a novel entitled Growing Up White in America or It’s Not Easy Having a Penis because people already complain about the abundance of white males in literature and whiny minority literature has a huge place in today’s marketplace.

And you white chicks can complain all you want, but you’ve got an entire genre dedicated to your kind. Chick Lit, anyone? You’re never going to walk past a row entitled Dick Lit in Barnes and Nobles.

Really we’re living in the age of anti-discrimination so white males are now actually the most discriminated against category of persons in the United States. No company is ever going to hire me because they need to fill their “white guy quota.” No college will ever bestow upon me a “white guy scholarship” for underprivileged Caucasians. No girl will ever date me because she’s never dated a white guy before and always wanted to find out whether the rumor about white guys having average sized penises is true. Being white in 2011 is the worst!

As a social experiment I’ve started sending stories off to literary magazines where the entire story is based on me being some sort of minority or part of a different culture and slapped a pseudonym on them to hide my white guy identity. I just sent one off a few weeks ago about a woman who’s been promoted at her job and forced to use the urinal in the executive washroom (written by Tampon McBreast) and I wrote another one about a black kid who wants to play ice hockey instead of basketball in a Canadian high school (written by Uncle Tom McBlackington).

You might be laughing now but when I get those acceptance letters, everyone will finally see the truth: the modern world hates white dudes.

White power! Oh wait…no. Forget I said that…no to the white power…just, go white dudes…I guess…


~ by themoderntranscendentalist on December 12, 2011.

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